Never Think...

I think I am doomed to be a sparatic blogger, but it's ok. I feel like since my last post I've gone on a downward spiral. Everything was wonderful last time I blogged. Well...it all seemed like things were falling into place. New job didn't work out quite as well as I hoped it would, so currently looking for a new one. I did move to Salt Lake, which is wonderful to have my own space. I have honestly tried to have the best time I can. There has been a looming sadness since Christmas though. Spending holidays without Kathryne and Jeff makes me think of how things could have been. If only we'd been ready for our little girl. Now, I try not to regret the decision we made, but sometimes - a lot of the time, it's really difficult.

I got to see Kathryne for the first time the last week in January. She's beautiful. I saw her and felt peace once again with what I the decision Jeff and I made. She's in the right place. Very happy and healthy. It does bum me out way bad that I can't be her family though, that constantly nags at me.

On a more positive note, I am taking little steps forward every day. Putting the past in the past isn't easy by any means, but I'm working on it. Making a list of small little goals kind of keeps me going. I have my bad days, where all I want to do is stay in bed, so I do. I decided I need those moments to myself, as long as it's not one long moment, like for the rest of my life moment.

Getting back on the horse called life is a constant struggle for me. I am so grateful for the incredible support of my family durring this difficult time. I'm snappy, emotional, grouchy, unpredictable, and trying to get my life back together. Sometimes it's just how the pieces fit that confuse me.

I never think I will be the same again. My life is changed forever. Normalcy will never return because my sense of normalcy will never be the same again. I have to adjust to a new normalcy that I'm not comfortable with or ready to accept as normalcy.