Hold me down

There is no pattern in my life. I live moment to moment. Some would say it is a 'bad' thing, but I would beg to differ. Living moment to moment doesn't necessarily mean not having goals, ideas, or morals. No, to me it means there are more options in life open to me. I have my goals, my own ideas, my set of moral conduct, but I am also open-minded to a change in those things. I am willing to step back and say, "This goal doesn't really fit into what I think will make me happy in life", or, "I like their idea of happiness better than my own".

I am willing to take whatever choices life has to offer me and do what will make me most at peace. In the end, it will all balance itself out.

For instance, as many close friends and family know, I had a baby last week. At the end of March that pregnancy was supposed to be terminated, that had been the plan the father and I had decided on together. I decided to tell a dear friend about my situation, we discussed all of my options. That included terminating the pregnancy as planned, carrying the baby to place for adoption, and carrying the baby to raise with the father. We discussed every option in detail, I was promised full support in any option chosen. Obviously, I decided to carry the baby.

Deciding what to do after making the decision to carry the child wasn't easy. Jeff, the father, and I, discussed what we would do, as parents, if we kept the baby. In the end he left the decision of placing the child or keeping it up to me. It took me months to decide what to do, and in the end a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I decided to place the baby for adoption. The same week I found out Jeff and I were having a little girl, we chose a family to place her with.

Now, months later, and many bumps along the way, I am done. It has been about six days and six hours since I signed the papers that gave the most precious thing in the world to me a chance at a better life. It's still hard as hell, and I suspect it will be for awhile, but to recieve pictures of my daughter, Kathryn Jayde, whenever I feel the need to know she's ok, is such a blessing. Her family loves her so much and is giving her more than I could.

The entire situation balanced itself out. Yes, as many know, there were a lot of rough spots. Fights between me and Jeff (which always worked out), other birth moms wanting to place with Kate's family (which I came to terms with), people saying they're supportive then not being supportive, and every little problem you can possibly imagine coming up, but in the end I am at peace.

My daughter has taught me to go after life before it gets away. That is one thing that has been a constant my entire life, but I never knew how much it held me to find out more about myself until now. Every experience has a lesson to be learned and a feeling to be felt. In this case, I have been able to learn and feel more than I ever thought myself capable of.