I decided awhile ago there are no words for my emotions. There is nothing that could possibly make somebody come close to understanding the wave emotions I have been feeling on and off. I know I've done very well at distraction myself from things, but it doesn't make it go away. I am at peace with the decision Jeff and I made to place our daughter, but it doesn't make it easier on either of us.
I had the chance to visit with Jeff the other day, and it was the first time I felt normal since I decided to place Kate. There was no point in trying to pretend like the emotions weren't there, and it was ok to talk about other things as well. It felt ok to laugh, like I wasn't putting on a show for anybody, pretending to be ok. For the first time I felt like it was ok to feel the way I feel, which is indescribable.
I am an empty shell of life, full of everything life brings. I feel the fullest of everything, of every possible emotion, and it's all rolled together. Indescribable is insufficiant. Intense is an understatement.
At the end of it all, the overruling emotion is always peace. It is always present. Through all of the inner turmoil peace always comes in the end. Once I feel that peace after a wave of tears, I'm ok for a little while. Not good, but ok...getting by the best I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment