Moving On

So things are going well. On Tuesday I finally got the call that one of the people I was wanting to room with in Salt Lake wanted me to move in. This next week is the big move. The next day I landed a job in Draper at a day spa! I was worried about how to move my stuff, but I talked to my friend Sarah and she offered to help me with her boyfriend's truck. It all just sort of fell into place. I haven't had things fall into place so easily in a long time. It makes me think something's wrong...haha. No, I'm just kidding. It makes me feel so good to know I will finally be doing what I was trained to do in school.

I had a bit of a self identity crisis and decided to get my hair done. No worries, I didn't shave my head. Mom wasn't sure about it at first, but she admitted it's growing on her. It's cute, I like it regardless.

Thanksgiving was alright. It was good to see some family. There were some hard moments throughout the day. I couldn't get control of my thoughts and it kept running through my head that if I had Kate she'd be getting passed around and people would tell me how adorable she is. I started crying and had to stir the green bean casserole to get my mind off of it.

Well, here's a couple pics of my new hair! WOOHOO! Oh yes, and my little nephew Jack...he's pretty adorable all dressed up for the cold.

An Endless War

Love is an endless war...

It's an absolutely INCREDIBLE song by my friend Logan Heftel. It makes me think about everything that has happened in my life that has shaped me to be who I am today. All of the crappy experiences with amazing outcomes.
I am happy to say I have had many ahem...growing experiences in life. While every one of them seems like something tragic or life stopping, every one of them has taught me so much. I am so happy with every choice I have made in life. Everything comes around full circle and ends up how it's supposed to be. I firmly believe in that.
I look back on how I used to be say five/six years ago and I'm disgusted with who I was. I feel like I am polar opposites with that person. I would have hated who I am now. I would have been disgusted with everything about who I am. Now, I can't imagine living my life the way I thought I was going to.
It's funny how you think you have life figured out and then one day you wake up and realize it's all just a false sense of security. Life is wonderful.
Now love really is an endless war. No matter what you do you can never figure it out. There's always twists and turns you will never be able to prepare yourself. It's wonderful to know you will always have it in your life though. As long as you allow love to enter into your world, you can always have love. It's important. That's all.











Love Is An Endless War

by Logan Heftel

I used to be so sure, I used to be so bold, I used to be so certain for no reason I suppose
Now I wonder about me and about you
and about those who stood a condescending contrapose,
Just waiting for the fall, waiting for it all to come crashing down
Now it may be that love's an endless war
I'll be waiting for you, waiting for this time we're living for
Now we may be off and on some more
Be the days or years between us when we're back it's like before
We used to be so pure, we used to feel so old,
Had it all planned out 30 years out from this life we would not own
Now I wonder about me and I wonder about you
And about why we;re so far off yet it all seems right
I'm breathing through it all checking for your call, I hope you know I'm there
Even if they're saying that loves an endless war
I'll be waiting for you, waiting for this time we're living for
We may be off and on some more
Be the days or years between us when we're back it's like before
Even when we didn't talk about it, I was thinking I'd forget about it
But deep down I found, it really isn't all that complicated
Time spent without you got me thinking more about what we've created
And its the good times now when I think of you
It may be that love's an endless war
I'll be waiting for you, waiting for this time we're living for
We may be off and on some more
Be the days or years between us, when we're back it's like before
And it may be that loves an endless war
I'll be waiting for you, waiting for this time we're living for
We may be off and on some more
Be the days or years between us when we're back it's like before.

That One Song

There's a particular song that touches on some of my feelings, granted, no words can explain this, but this one kind of skims the surface. It's called "Run" by Snow Patrol and here are the lyrics:
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

The Unexplainable

I decided awhile ago there are no words for my emotions. There is nothing that could possibly make somebody come close to understanding the wave emotions I have been feeling on and off. I know I've done very well at distraction myself from things, but it doesn't make it go away. I am at peace with the decision Jeff and I made to place our daughter, but it doesn't make it easier on either of us.
I had the chance to visit with Jeff the other day, and it was the first time I felt normal since I decided to place Kate. There was no point in trying to pretend like the emotions weren't there, and it was ok to talk about other things as well. It felt ok to laugh, like I wasn't putting on a show for anybody, pretending to be ok. For the first time I felt like it was ok to feel the way I feel, which is indescribable.
I am an empty shell of life, full of everything life brings. I feel the fullest of everything, of every possible emotion, and it's all rolled together. Indescribable is insufficiant. Intense is an understatement.
At the end of it all, the overruling emotion is always peace. It is always present. Through all of the inner turmoil peace always comes in the end. Once I feel that peace after a wave of tears, I'm ok for a little while. Not good, but ok...getting by the best I can.

Hold me down

There is no pattern in my life. I live moment to moment. Some would say it is a 'bad' thing, but I would beg to differ. Living moment to moment doesn't necessarily mean not having goals, ideas, or morals. No, to me it means there are more options in life open to me. I have my goals, my own ideas, my set of moral conduct, but I am also open-minded to a change in those things. I am willing to step back and say, "This goal doesn't really fit into what I think will make me happy in life", or, "I like their idea of happiness better than my own".

I am willing to take whatever choices life has to offer me and do what will make me most at peace. In the end, it will all balance itself out.

For instance, as many close friends and family know, I had a baby last week. At the end of March that pregnancy was supposed to be terminated, that had been the plan the father and I had decided on together. I decided to tell a dear friend about my situation, we discussed all of my options. That included terminating the pregnancy as planned, carrying the baby to place for adoption, and carrying the baby to raise with the father. We discussed every option in detail, I was promised full support in any option chosen. Obviously, I decided to carry the baby.

Deciding what to do after making the decision to carry the child wasn't easy. Jeff, the father, and I, discussed what we would do, as parents, if we kept the baby. In the end he left the decision of placing the child or keeping it up to me. It took me months to decide what to do, and in the end a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I decided to place the baby for adoption. The same week I found out Jeff and I were having a little girl, we chose a family to place her with.

Now, months later, and many bumps along the way, I am done. It has been about six days and six hours since I signed the papers that gave the most precious thing in the world to me a chance at a better life. It's still hard as hell, and I suspect it will be for awhile, but to recieve pictures of my daughter, Kathryn Jayde, whenever I feel the need to know she's ok, is such a blessing. Her family loves her so much and is giving her more than I could.

The entire situation balanced itself out. Yes, as many know, there were a lot of rough spots. Fights between me and Jeff (which always worked out), other birth moms wanting to place with Kate's family (which I came to terms with), people saying they're supportive then not being supportive, and every little problem you can possibly imagine coming up, but in the end I am at peace.

My daughter has taught me to go after life before it gets away. That is one thing that has been a constant my entire life, but I never knew how much it held me to find out more about myself until now. Every experience has a lesson to be learned and a feeling to be felt. In this case, I have been able to learn and feel more than I ever thought myself capable of.